Author & You
by Dominate
Summary: “Ha Ha! Harry the Hippo!” Pansy Parkinson yelled.


_Harry was wondering between the shelves in the Restricted Section of the library, when he caught a glimpse of his nemesis staring at him over a book from a table nearby so he decided to walk over and ask him what his problem was._

_As Harry stepped closer he could see the title._

_'The Basics of Kama Sutra'_

"Oh come on, you can do better than that." Interrupts none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Yeah, what he said!" Harry exclaims in agreement.

"Well what do you want me to do?" I ask politely.

"Something original." Harry explains slowly, as if he's talking to a three-year-old.

"Something that involves Quidditch..." Draco continued thoughtfully.

"Great, something 'original' that 'involves Quidditch'. I got it." I agree.

_"Where'd you get that broom, Weasel? Filch's closet?" Malfoy yelled in the new Gryffindor keeper's general direction, causing him to miss a shot and allowing Slytherin to score a goal._

"I wouldn't say something that stupid." Draco interrupts again.

Harry glances at Draco, an eyebrow raised.

"Well... Maybe I would. But anyway, that's a run on sentence right there." Draco continues.

"Oh who cares!" I yell angrily, causing both parties to shut up.

"Ron, you just have to ignore him." Harry said comfortingly, having just flown up beside him.

_"Yeah, I know but..."Ron started, but is immediately interrupted as Harry flies off with an apologetic yell of:_

_"Sorry! Snitch!"_

_"Hey Potter!" Draco yelled, trying to distract him as he flies closer to him. "I think a dead bird landed on your head. Oh wait! That's your hair!"_

_Draco started laughing at his own joke._

"Hey, I thought you were calling me Malfoy in this thing!" Draco interrupts again.

"Shut up!" I yell.

_Harry, still angry about what Malfoy had said to Ron, threw all his body weight sideways and collides with Malfoy, who wasthrown off course with a slight "Oomph!" as he flew, spinning, towards the ground._

"Heh, heh, 'oomph!' That's a good one, Malfoy!" Harry says laughing.

"Humph, I'll have you know, Potter, I've never oopmh'd in my life!" Draco replies haughtily.

"No? But you 'humph' and you were sure doing a lot of that last night." Harry continues, still laughing.

Draco blushes.

"Shut up..." He mutters distractedly.

"Both of you shut up!" I yell. "I'm trying to write a story here!"

"Key word being 'trying'." Harry explains slowly, then bursts out laughing again, and Draco joins in.

"Gr...."

"Alright, alright." Harry says, throwing up his arms in defeat.

_"Accio Firebolt!" Draco yelled in Harry's direction as he hit the ground, pulling Harry out of the air._

_Draco stepped aside, just in time to avoid a collision._

_"Malfoy!" Madam Hooch yelled and started towards them, but Malfoy waved his wand and sets up a shield around himself and Harry._

"Wow! I didn't know I could do that!" Draco exclaims proudly.

"You can't." I explain to him carefully. "I made that up."

"Oh." Draco says in a disappointed tone.

_Harry stppd up and pulled his wand out of his robes._

_Draco, who already had his out, stood thinking of a curse just horrible enough for use on Potter._

_He didn't really notice Harry had hexed him until he looked down at his arms and realized that he had been turned blue._

"Blue?" Harry exclaims suddenly. "That's all? I'd do far worse than that."

_...And had large purplish sores all over._

"Worse." Harry interrupts.

_...And had little green hairs all over as well._

"That's good." Harry says, nodding his head to show his support.

"What're you talking about? That's horrible!" Draco yells.

"Exactly."

"Fine. But I wanna turn him into a hippo." Draco replies.

"A hippo?" Harry asks, clearly surprised.

"Yes, a green hippo with... with... yellow and red spots." Draco continues.

"Sure... Why not!"

_Draco yelled in surprise and raised his wand to throw the worst hex that he knew at Harry._

_"Expelliarmus!" Harry yelled with a wave of his wand._

_"Shit!" Draco cursed. But he could see Madam Hooch outside the shield shaking her head quickly._

_Quite a few of the teachers knew that Draco possessed the skill of wandless magic._

_But Harry Potter didn't._

_Draco had had quite a few good experiences when he just waved his arms and said odd words, so he thought he'd give that a go._

_"Ooberwooberschlitzelwagon!" He yelled with_ _a wave of his arms, at the exact same time that Dumbledore blasted away the shield_

"That makes it sound like I'm turning him into a booger coloured station wagon!" Draco exclaims.

"Would you rather me do that?" I ask.

"No, then he'd run me over."

"Alright then."

_There was a big green flash of light that had filled the entire shield took a couple minutes to die down._

_Since the shield was soundproof, and the flash had been green. Quite a few of the bystanders thought that Draco had thrown a killing curse at Harry, and it didn't help that no one could see either of them._

_"Harry! Harry!" The Gryffindors yelled, and started the search for him._

"Hey! Where'd I go?" Draco demands.

"You'll find out." I assure him.

"Don't tell me something happened to **me** too!"

"Besides the whole blue skinned purple sored green hair?" Harry asks.

"Yes... I mean, no! I mean..."

"Please! Let me continue!" I yell over Draco's blathering.

"Fine!" Both say in unison.

_Suddenly, the oddest of creatures jumped out from one of the bushes._

_A green hippo with yellow and red spots._

_Quite a few of the students jumped back in alarm._

_"Hagrid! I think one of your creatures got loose again!" Hermione yelled._

_"No, tha's Harry!" Hagrid yelled over the commotion._

_Hermione took a step closer to the hippo, who was suprisingly calm, and examined its forehead where, sure enough, a lightning bolt shaped scare resided_

_"Yeah," Hermione said with a sigh, "it is Harry."_

_"Bloody Hell." Ron exclaimed._

_"Ha Ha! Harry the Hippo!" Pansy Parkinson yelled immediately upon hearing it._

_"I'll bet Malfoy is something even worse." Hermione retorted, causing Pansy to scowl and wander off to look for him._

_"You mean, worse than he was?" Ron asked with a laugh, which Hermione joined immediately._

_But the two-thirds of the infamous trio turned around immediately when they heard screams and shouts behind them. And saw a bright green dragon with flaming red eyes and black stripes land nearby._

_"No he isn't." Pansy announced proudly._

"Oh come on, that's not imaginative at all! Draco is Latin for Dragon **and** it's in the school slogan 'Never Tickle Sleeping Dragons'! Duh!"

I choose to ignore Draco's interruption.

_To everyone's surprise, Ron burst out laughing._

_Hermione turned towards him, eyebrows raised._

_"Stripes and spots!" Ron yelled in-between laughs, causing all the Gryffindors to start laughing as well._

_Draco, with the idea of throwing flames at the Gryffindors, opened his mouth and exhaled heavily._

_Causing a stream of amber coloured liquid to shoot out._

"What the...?" Harry asks slowly.

And I choose to ignore that too.

_All the Gryffindors had been laughing, and very few had their mouths covered._

_"That's vodka!" Seamus exclaimed._

_"No." Neville disagreed, sounding surer of himself than ever. "That's whiskey."_

"Mmm., whiskey..." Draco announces.

_All the whiskey-soaked Gryffindors looked at Neville oddly for a moment until Dumbledore stepped forward._

_"We will do a re-match of today's game in a couple of months." Dumbledore announced, causing a groan to rise from the crowd. "And as punishment for your actions, both Mr.Potter and Mr.Malfoy will spend the rest of the day in the forms that they are in right now._

_A loud hissing noise came from Harry the Hippo._

_"I don't speak parseltounge Harry, but I am almost positive that it wasn't polite so, 50 points from Gryffindor for cursing, in English or otherwise it's still offensive, and for fighting." Dumbledore yelled upon hearing the noise._

_It was only after Dumbledore had taken both the boys wands and led the whole school, except Harry and Draco, back to the castle that they learned that they could speak regularly._

_"It's all your fault, Malfoy!" Harry yelled upon realization._

_"Well if you hadn't run into me!" Draco disagreed immediately._

_"Well if you hadn't said those things!" Harry argued._

_"It was a diversionary tactic! And besides, it worked quite well." Draco announced and spurted some whiskey in the air, then caught it in his mouth as it fell towards earth._

_"So all those other times when you said stuff like that, it was a diversionary tactic?" Harry asked in a sarcastic tone._

_"Sometimes."_

_"When you made those buttons in our fourth year?"_

_"To distract you from the actual tournament by keeping your focus on the things that I was saying instead of what the challenges were." Draco explained calmly._

_"And when you insulted Hagrid in our third year?"_

_"To keep you from insulting one of your first friends. You know well enough that after that thing bit me his classes got almost as bad as Binns' because of what my father did. Which was wholly and completely out of my control."_

_"And when you called Hermione a mudblood in our second?"_

_"To make you realize that your friend was in danger, and in a way make you even more cautious after you found out about the Chamber being opened because you thought it was me. Don't think I didn't recognize you when you came in the Common Room as Vincent and Greg! I knew that Father had Riddle's diary, and had a feeling that he'd use it since Quirrel failed to bring back his squinty-eyed master into power."_

_Harry thought this over for a moment, and wondered if Draco was lying. Although, he didn't really have a reason to._

_"And making fun of my friends in our first?"_

_"Oh, that was just because I was bitter about you refusing my friendship. I'd never been turned down like that before." Draco replied._

_"Have you been turned down like that since then?"_

_"Oh yeah!" Draco exclaimed. "Girls don't seem to be interested in dating. I know this because it seems like I've asked all of 'em out!"_

_Harry wondered briefly why Draco was being so friendly, then he realized that Draco must be swallowing the whiskey that he had spurted in the air and caught, but without making it known to Harry._

_"Hey Draco?" Harry asked, as a idea sprung in his mind._

_"Yeah?" Draco responded._

_Clearly he was too drunk to notice that Harry had called him by his first name._

_"You remember when you turned me into this hippo, you didn't use your wand?" Harry asked softly, as if speaking too loudly would awaken the normal Draco._

_"Yeah, I can do that, you know." Draco responded, pride shining through his voice._

_"Maybe you could change us back without one too..." Harry replied as if the idea had just struck him._

"Goodness! I don't get drunk that easily!" Draco interrupts again.

"Sure you don't..." Harry replies slowly. "You were singing a different tune last Saturday. Actually I believe you were singing 'A pirates life for me'..."

Draco blushes and shuts up.

_"Maybe you're right, Harry!" Draco yelled and picked up his tiny Dragon arms to try to undo it._

_"Wait!"_

_"What?" Draco jumped and asked._

_"Maybe we should get one of those really big buckets from Hagrids and put a load of that whiskey in it first!" Harry said excitedly._

_"You're right!" Draco yelled and picked up Harry the hippo before flying away from the Quidditch pitch and landing at Hagrids._

_Draco dropped Harry lightly._

_"Maybe you should change me_ _back first, just to make sure that it works... And so I can get that bucket." Harry said, although not completely sure if it would work._

_"Well, I think I have to say it backwards, and that sounds complicated..." Draco thought aloud._

_"Well, maybe you could just try Finite Incantium..." Harry suggested._

_"I'll try..." Draco announced slowly before waving his small arms and muttering "Finite Incantium!"_

_Harry immediately changed back into his normal, although nude, self._

_Draco wolf-whistled._

_Harry grinned sheepishly and asked Draco to magic him into some robes._

_"I can try." Draco promised and muttered something offhanded and thought of Harry completely clothed._

_Which, suprisingly enough, worked._

_"Thanks a lot!"_

"I wouldn't have put him in any clothes besides a leather thong and some boots."

I try not to think about that.

_After successfully retreiving the buckets..._

"Wait!" Draco yells.

"WHAT?" I demand.

"You can't just skip the part where we get the tubs...."

"The hell I can't! I'm the frickin auther! I'm flubbin' BONAFIDE!"

"What the hell...?" Harry asks.

"Shut up!" I yell

_After successfully retreiving the buckets, Draco proceeded to fill all three of them with whiskey then change himself back into human form, but this time Draco appeared with his clothes on._

_Harry arched a brow at him._

_"Honestly, I dunno why that happened..." Draco muttered in a completely unconvincing tone._

_Harry drank some of the whiskey and decided to try something..._

"Oooh!" Harry interrupts. "GRAB HIS BUM!"

_"Draco, were you imagining me naked?"_

"Damn..." Harry mutters.

"Er...." Draco mutters, before pulling out his wand....

"YES!" Draco yells. "THERE REALLY IS SHAGGING!"

_...and saying "look we have our wands!"_

I proceed to point and laugh at Draco.

"Ha ha! I got your hopes up for NOTHING!"

Draco scowls at me.

Harry blinked at him for a moment.

_Draco transfigured a couple rocks into mugs and handed Harry one._

_"We might as well drink civilly, if we're going to drink."_

_"Draco... Were you imagining me naked?" Harry asked again._

_Draco gagged mid-sip and glared at Harry before waving his arms enthusiastically._

_"YES! I was bloody imagaining you naked!" Draco glared at him a minute before looking at his now empty hand. "GREAT! Just frickin' GREAT!"_

__

**Authors Note: I'm not going to stop here. There will be a continuing part, so don't give me evil glares...**


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